[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
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Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I am a gravy boat captain
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!