When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
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[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
This is what makes twitter great
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
That’s what I call a flat tire
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!