My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
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I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
shit just got real
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day