Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
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Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Accurate
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES