My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Ron is short for Aaronald
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Fiction has to make sense.