Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
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Seems kinda suspicious
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.