[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
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True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
sensitive skin
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today