Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
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Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
good let them take over I have had enough
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.