If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
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“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
“Wait, let me explain..”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’