I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
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[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*