*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said âMum, the bird witches are calling meâ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Gorilla vs. cold water đ
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Me, at 15: Iâm going to change the world!
Me, at 25: Iâm going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: Iâm going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I canât help thinking…Iâll never have abs like that.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
2 years later
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Me: don’t đđź judge đ other đ people đ be kind âđźđ
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
it took 26 tries to get this âmessyâ bun to look just right and he asked why I didnât do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Itâs funny howâespecially in small townsâwe think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple wonât steal any more of my chairs.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up