Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
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Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
set yourself free xox
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me