People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
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A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
good work, everybody
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
This was the best day of my life
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses