So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
next question.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.