Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
If you are reading this then you are reading this
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….