when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
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Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted