[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
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10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.