Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
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As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
i can’t wait that long
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
can’t bark with your mouth full
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.