My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
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The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Yes my dude
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me