My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
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No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.