Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
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The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store