Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
You Might Also Like
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.