Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
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On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.