Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
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[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.