The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
this is 10/10 content no notes
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
The French word for sex is croissant.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.