Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
You Might Also Like
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.