As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
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[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
A leaf blower, but for people.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.