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I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first