It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
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Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I bet
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks