I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
You Might Also Like
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”