Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
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men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
We’re all getting idioter.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3