Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I think this should do it.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I know a bad idea when I see one.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.