Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
You Might Also Like
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.