him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I’m having an out of money experience.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]