These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
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Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Never ghost your hitman.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day