COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
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Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
@ candidates for local office
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Worst perfume name ever.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.