Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
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Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.