it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
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I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours