Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
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I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
(Gaming support cat.)
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions