Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
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I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.