First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
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My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.