My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
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[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.