Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
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“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Look at this
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.