melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
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thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles