Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
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omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
okay run it by me one more time
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA