Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
You Might Also Like
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Sing it!
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]