My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
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JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio