Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably