My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
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My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.