Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
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How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
not to brag, but mine was free
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
😂 amazing answer
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.